The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

Grammatically Correct Animal

The pet store was selling three parrots. A man who wants to buy a parrot approaches the clerk and asks, “How much are your parrots?” The sales clerk answers, “The first one is $1,000.” “What does he know?” “He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and can solve mathematical expressions.” “How about the second one?” “The second parrot costs $5,000.” “What does he know?” “He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, can solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.” “Then what is the price for the third one?” asked the buyer. “This one costs $20,000.” “Really?! What does he know?” “This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'BOSS’."

The Parrot Boss

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers... - He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse. - SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. - Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. - Three words: carpal paw syndrome. - Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working. - The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. - He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”. - It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits. - The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms. - He can’t stick his head out of Windows.

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten's name?" "Demon," I replied. "Demon? That's an odd name," she said. "Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway." I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?" "Yes, it is." "You really don't like cats, do you?"

Feline Fiasco

"Top 10 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password"  10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like (alt.recreational.catnip). 7. Your web browser has a new home page: (http://www.feline.com/). 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog." 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

"Top 10 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Passwo...

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he or she fits in the cannon."

Adoption Objections

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Norks Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs and says, "You smell kind of norky. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not norks," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the norks are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the norkiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought norks were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of com...

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator. The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?" "Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"

Interview At the Big IT Company

A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called . . . Fairwell Honeychild!

Rumored Merger

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Get The Job Done

This device is designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above. Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error,and enable you to resume data entries. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.

The Emergency Back-up Device

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

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