My mom is a major pain in the ass. Let me explain -- my mom is a 'camera mom.' Everybody's got that one person in their family, but it ain't their mom. All they do is walk around and go, 'Wait, don't move, let me go get ... Read full
Last weekend, I went to my family reunion. And you people know, family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.
I knocked on my neighbour’s door and noticed my wife’s shoes and handbag in the hallway, so I punched him in the mouth. No-one steals from my family.
Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them. The first one says, "My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring." But, of course, she w ... Read full
Larry was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, ‘Larry, let me tell you something… on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mo ... Read full
This random guy came up to me in the street and said, “Hey, brother from another mother!” It was charming but, nevertheless, a cruel way to find out that I’m adopted.
I was on a blind date recently. This guy says to me, 'You know, I really like you, I want to meet your family.' I'm like, 'Well, that's cool. I've got a brother out on the island.' So I took his stupid ass out to Riker's ... Read full
Some guy: Stupid Bitches.... Me: So tell me more about you family...
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
I went to Iraq, and the ironic thing is, everybody in my family that's pro-war was against me going. 'Tom, you have a nine-month-old son -- why the hell would you go to Iraq?' Like, I'm just looking for one good night's ... Read full