At my friend’s parish they are taking pains to develop a new intern priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. …. The Monsignor said, “Next week it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly.” The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He thought he did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a rather brusque note from the Monsignor. It read: 1. Next time, sip the vodka rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass. 5. The recommended Grace before meals is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God.” 6. Mary did not nag Joseph all the way to Bethlehem, she just rode his ass. 7. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 9. Be careful reading the Upcoming events: Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s. 10. Last but not least, it is the “Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the cherry.”
